I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
