We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
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