Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
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