if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Enjoy the penises
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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