Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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