Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
