is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
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