I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
