Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
