I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I'm getting married
To pizza
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
