Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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