i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
