I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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