He uses pillows to masturbate.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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