I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
