That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I skipped work to stalk him.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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