Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
