I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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