i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
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