i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
