u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Welp...herpes.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
