My friends, they love my intelligence
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
