My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Randomize
