I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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