I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
i came on her dog
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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