The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
