Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
