Soap is not a condiment
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
