im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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