1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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