On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
