Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Randomize
