it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
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