What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
