I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
