my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
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