I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
