I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
