So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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