I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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