I think I died a long time ago.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
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Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
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He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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