I puked a lego.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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