He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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