the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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