I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
