Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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