Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
