If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
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