Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
