Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
