mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Randomize
