He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
