You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
