I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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