who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
