I am in a vortex of obligation.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
