I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
